December 3 – Moment

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Most times, I live outside my body. I focus too much on textures, smells, voices, noises, colors. I’m self diagnosed ADHD, as most times I have trouble truly focusing on one thing and instead take in little bits of everything else.

I find myself drifting in and out of conversations because of the distracting world around me; I really am interested in what you say, but I can’t help but analyze your body language and non-verbal communication. I smell the perfume or cologne you’re wearing or notice how a particular color, pattern, or fabric lays upon you.

Sometimes I love that I do it, but other times it really is quite the burden.

But the first time I read this prompt, I thought of one particular moment; I felt so alive and in the moment---so much so that I don’t recall anything else that happened around me.

I was in a bar with some friends. It’s a loud and rowdy karaoke hole-in-the-wall—my favorite. It’s always bustling with activity and swimming with drunken renditions of Journey and boyband songs.

That one night, I ran into a friend, one I hadn’t talked to in months. It made me sad as we were very close, and then we simply fell apart. I’m still not sure what happened. When I noticed him, it was all I could focus on—it felt weird not wrapping him in a giant hug and exchanging jokes and funny anecdotes. It felt unnatural to treat him like a stranger. But, still healing from the pain of the separation we’d had, I didn’t know what else to do.

Right before he left that night, he came up to me. We hugged. And there in the middle of the bar, locked in embrace, he apologized. He genuinely apologized. He told me how bad he had felt, especially for the pain it had caused me. How he missed having me as a friend.

At that moment, everything came together. Every ounce of me focused on that moment, savored each ticking second. The karaoke, the drunken laughter, the crowds of people shuffling by us—everything faded. I existed right then, and only then, and only in those inches of space between his voice and my ear. The heart deep inside of me that had been struggling to breathe the past few months finally inhaled its first, fresh, sweet breath. I had my friend back, and I never wanted to let go; I was so afraid I’d lose him again.

As he left, I simply stood there alone, wiping away the tears, still lost in a lull of emotion. It wasn’t until someone from a nearby table spoke my name. And to this day, I still remember being startled; I picked my head up and looked around and for a brief moment, I had forgotten where I was, forgotten the bar I had known so well. Everything suddenly felt strange and foreign.

After a split second to get my bearings, life continued on. The karaoke tunes flooded back in, the drunken rowdiness continued. Life was just the way it had left off—except the hole in my heart had been filled.

It was a good feeling.

There are no words. Not yet.

I sat down tonight to write about Africa... but I can't do it. Not yet. In my mind I'm still processing the trip, even after a week of being back. The thoughts. The memories. The emotions.

Mostly, the emotions. To put it lightly, everyone came back a changed person--emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I wish I could find the right words to allow you to feel the things we're feeling, the experiences we had, the kindness we felt.

Sadly, I don't think there will ever be enough words.

In time, I'll write about my experience, what I did, where I went, what I saw. Just not tonight.
I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately capture how I felt or how I feel now.


Instead, I'll be alone with my thoughts tonight, and fall asleep to the beauty that is South Africa.





I really, truly miss it.

We've Only Just Begun

I can't believe it. I'm laying here in bed; my bags are packed, carry on is ready, my camera batteries are charged, memory cards emptied, passport and other documentation stored away in a purse--but I still can't believe it.

In a few hours, I'll wake up. I still won't believe it.
In a few hours, I'll get ready to go--finish some final packing, get dressed, make some coffee, grab a light breakfast. But I still won't believe it.
In a few hours, I'll get picked up, driven to the airport, and board a plane en route to JFK to go to South Africa. Chances are, I still won't believe it.

It's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I've already been on a journey. I've challenged authority and fought for what I believe in, in hopes to retain the RA position. When it didn't work, I moved apartments. I finished my internship, as well as my online internship class, and as of last night I finally completed my other online class. On top of all that, I've gotten my passport and vaccinations. I'm lucky I still know where my head is at right now!

But, I've also been on another journey--an intellectual, mental and emotional journey. I've researched every piece of South Africa I could imagine--I'm familiar with everything from the culture to the history to the economic and political status. I've researched their problems, their struggles, both past and present. As a group, we've all discussed these all to quite an extent. We've pondered over unanswered questions, and found answers to questions which only lead to more. We've bounced around ideas, comments, concerns, questions, worries, fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, plans, and information. We've spent hours upon hours upon hours submerging ourselves in the world of the United Nations and violence against women.

And yet, something tells me we've only just begun. There's only so much that you can read on paper, or on the internet. There's only so many Youtube videos you can watch about the land and its people. It isn't until you physically, emotionally, and mentally experience the world in person that you can begin to truly understand it.

In a few hours, we begin that process. What does it hold? Nobody knows. We've speculated, but none of us truly knows--and rightfully so. Yet, this leaves me a bit worried. I can only prepare myself so much mentally and emotionally, but will this be enough? Will I be able to handle the sights that will be before my eyes? Will I be able to comprehend all that unfurls before me? I don't know. In fact, I probably still won't know until I am laying in my bed the first night home, my mind swirling with images and memories from the trip.

I think it will be then, and only then, that I'll finally believe it.

I don't know what to expect, I don't know what will happen. But, I know one thing--in a few hours, it will all begin, whether I like it or not. Time to just jump in and take the plunge.

So with that, I sign off to get a few hours of sleep before the sun rises, signaling the beginning of the day, and of my journey--We may be half way there, but we've only just begun.

Movin' On...Up?

After meeting with housing on Friday, it looks as though Amanda and I will be able to move into the same apartment, apartment 516. The woman in charge e-mailed one girl who is living there currently (who had expressed an interest earlier in moving) to see if she was still interested in moving. She heard a response back that she did still want to move, so it looks like that space will be available. Unfortunately we can't move until everything is official and the other girl has officially "confirmed" it and selected a new room to live in. She could change her mind after seeing the room choices available, in which case Amanda and I would be split up into different apartments. But, I don't think this will be the case.

Still, this SUCKS, to put it mildly. Just when we had gotten settled in, we have to uproot again and shift down the hall. That means repacking, re-painting the walls, painting the NEW walls, and unpacking. It'll be a long process that all has to be completed this week on top of working for the EMC, homework, and Blockbuster. Though, I know I will feel a huge relief once this entire ordeal is over and I can move on with things.

I know I probably shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help feeling betrayed slightly by Champlain College. 2 years ago, I looked to this college as my doorway to freedom. I was at Lyndon State before, and I felt there was nothing there for me. There were no opportunities, no room for growth. I saw myself sitting stagnant for the rest of my college career, and knew I would leave feeling unfulfilled. It wasn't something I wanted. But, when I found Champlain, their motto stuck with me "boundless opportunities." It's even reiterated by the college Philosophy:

"The primary mission of Champlain College is to prepare students for successful careers by creating a physical and intellectual environment in which they have freedom to grow and are challenged to realize their full potential. While special emphasis is placed on the development of professional competence, the following are also seen as essential components of the College’s responsibility to its students: to inform and stimulate the mind; to develop character, personality and ethical conduct; and to provide creative outlets through supervised extracurricular activities.

Therefore, the College is dedicated to providing Champlain students with a variety of educational experiences that will encourage them to develop as individuals, to foster understanding and appreciation of all people, and to gain career skills that will allow them to contribute to the professional and personal environments in which they live." (http://www.champlain.edu/about/philosophy.php)

It's even stated in the first sentence that they create an environment "in which [students] have freedom to grow and are challenged to realize their full potential."

But how can a student be offered the full freedom to grow and realize their full potential if they're stifled by a college unwilling to compromise or work with a student who wants to take advantage of every opportunity available? This college wants to produce successful, involved, passionate and educated students; yet they're unwilling to help the students who have those qualities.

I considered myself to be one of those students. I'm a double major with a 3.88 GPA, and not only am I involved with a variety of on campus activities and organizations, but I've taken steps to create my own when the college lacked such resources. But most of all, I had a deep passion for this college and for what it stood for. I wanted nothing more than to give back and become a part of Champlain more than I already was.

So, it goes without saying that I was completely estatic when this United Nations project came along. I considered it a double whammy for the college, not only being able to give back to other students through the resident assistant job, but to also work on this amazing project and develop some amazing and positive PR for Champlain.

And then I ran into this whole mess. But what surprised me the most was the amount of resistance the college put up. In no way were they willing to work with me to develop a solution or a compromise when both of these opportunities conflicted. And, after everything I had done to be a part of this campus, none of it mattered. Even when I pointed out the discrepancies for the training for fall versus spring RAs, it meant nothing. Nobody said, " let's try and work this out." People said, "yes, you have a point," but nothing was done. And, I don't think anything will change.

And to make matters worse, this housing issue was more struggle, more hassle. Others could be consolidated and moved at housing selection, this girl in the other apartment could be asked to move and transfer students could be shuffled around, but there was no way to allow us to stay in our apartment? It was a "philosophical" decision of the department. So, the two students that aren't here yet will remain residents in the apartment while the two that are here (and have been for four months), completely moved in, decorated, and have mail sent to this apartment now need to completely uproot and shuffle down the hall in a few days. And, the college will also have to arrange and pay to have the apartment cleaned again before the new RAs arrive to take our place.

Sometimes, I just don't understand it. I really don't. Here are students that are looking to grow, looking to achieve success in every sense of the word; students who have reached out to the student body and to the community, who have spent their free time trying to make their residence hall and college a better place. Here are students willing to put forth as much effort needed to perform every job.duty, and role to the best of their abilities, and they're met with nothing but resistance from a place that supposedly strives to foster an environment for growth and for students to "realize their full potential".

With that said, I'm still thankful for the wonderful education and the opportunities that have been presented to me, and I'm still very dedicated. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be involved at all. But I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment for this entire predicament and it's discouraged me from being as involved as I initially wanted to be. Instead, it says to me "be involved, but don't try and put yourself out there too much. If you do, you'll have nothing but problems." Be involved just enough to feel fulfilled, but don't grow any further unless you want stress and disappointment.

So, as this whole ordeal comes to a close, I just hope the college will realize how much stress and disappointment this has caused for not only Amanda and I, but for others around us. It's changed the views on the college for many people, and not in a good way. I only hope that this will cause the college to go back and reevaluate procedures, rethink the way it handles situations like these. I hope they especially make changes to the RA training procedures. If all of the 2 week training in the fall is vital for all the RAs to be properly trained, than there is no way that 2 days of training in the spring can possibly turn out properly trained RAs. And, if those RAs are not properly trained, you are now endangering the lives of all the students they're supervising should a crisis occur. If you were worried about us being under trained by missing a few days of training, then this scenario shouldn't cause you any less concern. If the same training could have been received, then what does it boil down to? that we're missing move in weekend? So, because we wouldn't be there to greet the students and facilitate a meeting, there were no alternatives to make that up? Because we'd be missing a weekend, its reason to take away at least a semester's worth of RA duties? I think there's some thinking that needs to be done.

Either way, things are over and done with. There's no going back. And personally, for me, there's no going forward on that road again. Instead, I'm going to take different paths to reach the same destination. I'm going to focus my efforts on the project, and then I'm going to examine other leadership positions such as orientation leader or peer advisor. While I'm sad I'm losing this leadership position and disappointing all those that looked for me to be in that position, I know there are other ways to be a leader on this campus and in this community and I'll seek those out.

So, this will be the last time I blog about this topic. I'm finished, moving on. No need to drag out the negatives when I have such great positives sitting here to be blogged about. I just wanted to sum up my final thoughts on the subject now that some of the initial emotion has died out. It's a sad loss either way, but I'm willing to move on and not dwell in the past. I thank all those that have offered their support and advice through this whole thing, and to those who really understood the tremendous amount of stress this has caused me. Now, I look forward to moving forward with the United Nations project and putting this all behind me.

Oh, and one last tidbit before I sign off that I've been repeatedly forgetting to mention in here: How cool is it that three Windsor High School grads are working on this? Umm, pretty cool in my book! And, on top of that, we all have blogs! You can follow myself, Amanda Jones, and Bryan Hare on this project.

This post has become much, much longer than I intended, and I can only help but quote my friend Shakespeare (Bryan will appreciate the humor in this) from Hamlet, where his character Polonious says, "Brevity is the soul of wit...so I'll be brief."

Haha, theater nerd joke. Love it. Good night!

Project Update

It's been a few days since my last post, so I figured it was time for an update.

First, a quick update on the RA position/UN project:

Housing: We have to move apartments. I'm not even going to get into the argument. I don't agree with their reasoning (there seems to be a trend here) but its not even worth it at this point. We're hoping for 2 spaces to be available in Spinner, but if not Amanda and I will have to move into separate apartments. Meeting with housing again tomorrow morning to figure things out more. I just want everything over with so I can focus on my online classes, the project, and my life, basically. This whole ordeal has consumed it for the past two weeks or so. It's been a long battle, and I'm just done fighting it. If anything, it's just made me lose any desire to work for them in the future.

But, on to more positive? note: the UN Project

Research is coming along, slowly but surely. We've struggled the first few days, I believe in part because we didn't really have a direction. We were dropped into this without knowing what to do, and it took us a few days to "Get accustomed" to everything I guess. The only analogy I can come up with is in Castaway, where Tom Hanks first washes up on the island. He just sits there, unsure of what to do. He mentally takes in his surroundings, and simply sits there and thinks. Finally he gets some direction and begins to take steps to survive.

Today was especially good, we all felt extremely productive and felt like we made some strides towards making a plan for the next few weeks. It's been great working together as a team for most of the time, we really utilize each other- talk things through out loud, bounce ideas around, and find new things or topics to research through each other's research.

We've also spent a good amount of time discussing the marketing around this project. We know that we want to make others aware of it, as it's a big project for Champlain College. Not only should others in the college know about it, but the community as well. But, here lies the problem--how do we do that? How to we make others aware of it? Especially in the next few weeks, as we want others to be able to follow us while we're in Africa. So far, we've turned to one marketing method we know and trust-Facebook. We created a group in order for everyone to join- group members, friends, family, etc... Here, we'll use this as a way to update our research findings, marketing strategies, etc... to keep everyone updated. Also, we've listed some student blogs and encouraged others to do it as well. This way they are all in one convenient place and others can access various student blogs in one place. On the flip side, once we gather a great deal of students, it will be easy to reach them all if we need to by simply sending a message to all the members in the group. In addition, we're hoping the more people we reach out to, the more will come back with information links, contact names, etc... that they know of. Yay for social networking!

Another issue we've come across in our our discussions is a lack of a "brand" I guess you could call it? We want to give the project a name and a logo, something that will not only unite everyone working on the project (there seems to be some division lines between groups) but will also give something for others to connect to, not just the "EMC UN Project". As marketing majors, we all got excited about this topic and have developed a few ideas for names, t-shirt and logo ideas, as well as empowering quotes and slogans. Of course, this isn't all up to us, so we're excited to bring this to the group meeting and get feedback from the two design teams as well. But, some of the questions I've been wrestling with--is this something that the students and community will be excited about? Is this a cause they'll deem worthy of supporting? If not, is there a way we can change that? And, do they believe the project has as much magnitude as we do? I guess these are just questions we'll have to work on finding the answers to over the next few months.

Either way, we want to not only make a change to the communities in South Africa, but we think its equally as important to reach out to the community around us, even if only to educate them on the severity of this issue. We have to be careful though, and not focus too much on this issue just yet. I think sometimes its easier to work on marketing for this because it's familiar, its the world that we live in. But, with only a few short weeks before the trip, we need to really focus our attention on gathering the right research and preparing for the research we need to collect while over there. Not only is this research going to be vital towards the project, but we only have one shot (10 days) at everything. There is no room for error, really.

So, our goals for the next few weeks are going to be to really figure out the target market and narrow it down as much as possible. The more specific the target market, the better results we'll have, hopefully. We also need to create surveys, determine the areas that we want to visit to observe behavior and have focus groups, along with which we'll need good, quality interview questions. On top of that, we need to collect as much general research as we can to be able to develop a detailed profile of the target market before we go so that we can have something together for others to read on the plane.

We have a lot of work ahead of us and sometimes we feel a little in over our heads, but I'm confident we have a great team and great advisers such as Meg Frenzen and Elaine Young that are helping to steer us in the right directions.

Overall, with each day that goes by and the more information I learn, I feel more committed and passionate about this project. I only hope we'll be able to inspire others in the same way.

I leave you with a quote that I found earlier, and I thought it was relevant to the project and a great possible slogan for our group. It was said by Nelson Mandela, former president of South Africa, anti-apartheid activist and leader of the African National Congress:

"Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world."

Tom Tom couldn't get me out of this crossroads...

So, the RA position/ UN project has come to a crossroads. For the last week, we've fought and fought with every person possible to retain our position as RAs and continue with the United Nations Project, but unfortunately had no success. We even talked to the president to see what he could do, as we knew he understood the importance of this project to Champlain college. But today, unfortunately, we heard word back--a decision has to be made.

For the past week, I've agonized over this. There were nights I laid in bed for hours, working out every possible situation in my head, trying to weigh the pros and cons, work out financials, and look at the situation both short term and long term. I think what's been most beneficial though, is not only all the support I've received from friends, advisors, co workers, and family, but also being able to talk things through with everyone. I can't thank those enough that helped me work through the situation and offered suggestions, pros, cons, factors I never considered, etc... Also, a big shout out to Wes for his suggestion in talking to the president and arranging the meeting with him for us because we were so strapped for time. Being able to have this support and help there has been instrumental in not only my mental sanity, but also in making this tough decision.

After getting all the advice that I could, I worked it out to be the following:

This United Nations project is a once in a lifetime deal. Not many college students can say that they worked on a project for the United Nations and received an all expense paid trip to Africa to conduct research there. I know this project is going to big, especially based on all the PR ideas we were throwing out in this morning's meeting. It's not only going to look good on a resume, but I can only imagine what a fullfilling experience this is going to be. Even in the little bit of time that we've worked on it, there's a perpetual warm feeling that fills me, because in my heart I know we're helping the greater good.
But, I also had to look at what I would have to sacrifice for this position. For a while it looked like I wouldn't even be able to be guaranteed housing, let alone live with my roommate, Amanda. Not knowing about housing scared me. Terrified me, actually. There's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment for the year. And, if I had to move back to campus, I'd also have to get the meal plan. That's an additional 12,000 I'd have to find money for. Every year my financial aid is tight, so being able to find that amount would have been tough. Luckily, Res Life has finally guaranteed us housing in Spinner, and they're fairly certain we can room together. That relieves me a little. On top of everything else, I'd give up the bi-weekly RA paycheck and worst of all, the position itself. I'd already started planning activities for the year,and residents I didn't even know (and ones I knew) were already contacting me with questions and concerns , looking to their RA for guidance. There were tons of people, RAs and residents, who were counting on me to be in this position. By turning down this position, I felt like I was letting them down. I think that weighed more heavily on me than anything else.
I guess, when it all came down to it, I had to determine if this project was worth losing that student trust, that money, and the financial break on housing.

And after a great, great, great deal of consideration and thinking, I believe it is. It truly is. It's worth it for the cause, for the experience, for the opportunity. Bottom line.

So, I'm doing the UN Project and turning down the RA position.

Yes, we may not change the world. But, I refer back to the quote that I heard from Schindler's List "He who saves a life saves a world entire." Even if we're only able to save one life, save one woman from violence, then we've saved an entire world. Is this behavioral change even possible with what we're doing? I honestly don't know. But all we can do is try. And that, that makes it all worth it.

Last week during one of my sleepless nights, I thought back to the last big decision in my life, and I tracked it back to seven years ago when my parents were getting divorced. I had the choice of living with my mother and brother, or moving out and living with my dad. I wanted to live with my dad because my mother and I did not ( and still don't) have anything that resembles a relationship. But, my brother and I have a very tight, special bond. It broke my heart to have to choose, but there was no way around it. He wasn't old enough to choose, and my mother wasn't giving him up. I agonized over this, cried and cried and cried and prayed and cried and prayed for an answer. I've never felt my heart break more than when I watched my brother from the side view mirror as my dad and I drove away. Even seven years later, it's still an image that haunts me. But as we drove along and I fought back tears, I wondered if I made the right decision. I knew it was going to be mentally, emotionally and physically better for me. And, even though I hated leaving my brother, I knew he was going to be okay, we were going to survive. Even then, there was still a small part of me that whispered "things will be okay."

And now, seven years later...they are. It not only strengthened our bond and our relationship, but a year later he moved in with us, and we've never looked back. Things were okay. I can't even imagine myself making any other choice when I look at it now.

This was similar. I looked at all the pros and cons, and deep in my heart I feel this is right for me. It hurts to leave this RA position because I knew not only would I be good at the job, but it'd also be fulfilling. But, I feel that this UN project will be the best. It tore me apart, but I have to listen to my heart, it's never steered me wrong. And I can hear that faint whisper again that "things will be okay." My friends and family support me, and in my heart, this feels right.

When I moved out, things were okay. And inside, I know this will be, too.

I'm comforted by a quote I found by Abraham Maslow, a psychologist who created Maslow's "hierarchy of needs."
He said, "You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety."

The RA job would be safe. I know what to expect, I know what to do. But would I grow from it? I don't know. Maybe a little. This project is a complete unknown. None of us know how we're going to tackle this, or what we're doing. That's why we're here and why we took it on-- it's a challenge. It excites me and fuels me inside when we discuss it, firing out ideas and dissecting problems and solutions. On top of that, I'll not only be really traveling abroad for the first time, but also to a place I know nothing about. The whole thing scares me, but equally excites me. But I'm taking a leap of faith. I'm stepping forward into growth.

One things for sure: this is going to be an incredible journey.

Thanks to all those that helped me, guided me and supported me. It's been a tough decision and an equally tough fight. I stood up for what I believed in until the very end, until I couldn't fight any more. I didn't take this all lying down, but I know when I ultimately need to concede. And I've thought this decision through very carefully. It's been a a long, stressful, and draining process, but I'm glad it's finally over. Now the only thing to do is look forward to the future. And, as Dr. Phill says " Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make a decision right."

Either way, this is going to be the right decision. So, goodbye Residential Life. Hello Africa!

Catch the Wave

I went to the first meeting for the United Nations Project today and it completely opened my eyes to all of this.

Blew me away.

It was incredible to read about the scope and potential of this project, and to listen to those in charge of it talk about it. It was obvious that each adviser was equally as passionate about this project, and each one brings a different but equally beneficial area of expertise.

What also struck me was the incredible student minds that surrounded me. As we went through introductions and continued into our first, in depth discussion about the project, I could see why each student was selected for this project. Everyone had a great background of experience and a passion for learning, and it was an incredible experience to listen to these students discuss and ask questions about the project. As marketers, my team and I asked questions about target markets and publicity, as well as research methods. Others asked questions about design and concepts, and the overall message that we want to bring to the consumer. There were things brought up that I would never have thought about or even knew about. But, each person around the table today did the same thing-listened. We listened to each other, absorbed information. We acknowledged really good questions and were open to ideas, and it seemed like each new point or question brought about 3 more. In those few hours that we met, you could feel the energy brewing in the room and the ideas beginning to take root in this project.

Overall, I think the one thing that brings us together is passion. We're passionate for what we do, and the work that we put fourth. And, we're passionate for this cause.

And, I think when you take extremely driven students who have an equal passion for the cause, you have a deadly force that is not afraid of obstacles and is ready to make waves through the community, through the nation, and across the globe.

Tonight, I heard a quote that made me think about this project in a new way:
"He who saves one life saves the world entire"
While we may not directly save lives through this project, we have the power to potentially influence future behavior. If that leads to even one less battered woman, one less innocent life saved, one less act of violence- we've saved the world. It was quite a humbling revelation.

I cannot wait to share with you the wealth of information I gain from this project, but also the large amount of personal growth.

In short, this is going to be big. Get ready for one heck of a journey... and grab your surfboard...Champlain College is making waves.

Rash Decisions arent me.

I've been molding and shaping this whole ordeal in my brain for the last few days. It's probably pretty apparent, as it's almost 3am and I have to get up for an all day meeting in like 4.5 hours.
But anyways...the anger and frustration have started to clear away ( but mind you, still there.) and I've now turned to logic, thinking, planning. I'm talking things through. I'm writing things down. I'm weighing out options, consequences, life for the semester, the year, and future years. I'm thinking about money. I'm thinking about living situations. I'm thinking about my future profession. I'm thinking about stress and time. I'm trying to incorporate every factor I can think of, draw lines, make connections, clear away the jumbled mess I had before and sort through all of this.

But most of all, I'm reaching out to others. I'm asking their opinion, looking for their advice, asking for their ideas. Sometimes it helps to hear things from other perspectives. You can see things in a new light, you can get new ideas, and sometimes even just hearing your own thoughts back to you can sway you one way or another.

Either way, this decision will be life changing. Part of this scares me. It scares me to know that either way, I'm missing out on something truly amazing. But, in some sick way, it excites me a little. Maybe my life needed this, maybe I need to be threatened with change. Who knows, it might do me some good. I don't really know.

Its funny because I've always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. There's been plenty of times I've looked back over my life and realized how certain actions or events brought me to where I was today, or how they changed my life at that moment, even when I couldn't see it then. Last year I was upset because Laura was no longer going to be our roommate after 2 years. I couldn't understand (well, I understood from her point, I guess) why this was happening to me. ( wow, that sounds selfish, but I really mean it in the most non selfish way possible). Anyways, I didn't realize it tonight that it happened for a reason. Not only for her own personal reasons, but also because if she was our roommate, this would make things even more difficult right now. Its different when both Amanda and I could face losing our apartment, because either way we'd both be leaving it. And, while there's a slim chance that we could be put together again, there's still a chance. For all 3 of us to leave and still be roommates, there's be absolutely no way. But, if we did have to move, we'd have to leave her behind in the apartment, which wouldn't be fair. And, it would probably make this decision more difficult because that would be a factor in our decision, when it really shouldn't be based on the severity of this decision. I hate to admit it, but it happened for a reason.

Needless to say, this whole thing has sickened me. literally. I've felt sick to my stomach for the past 3 days, and I've come really close to throwing up. It's just been that detrimental. And really, if you could see me now, I look like shit. No lie. I've been so drained from this, its affecting my job, my school work, my internship;its affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally.

I think I'll be able to feel relief once it's finally over, for better or for worse. And I'll probably need a giant hug.

probably two.


Now its time for bed, with a meeting about the UN project tomorrow. This will also play into the final decision as I learn more about the project and the trip.

I want to be 5 years old again.

It depends on what your definition of "exception" means.

I'm speechless, really. Devestated. Frustrated. Exhausted. Stressed. Sick to my stomach from all of this.

Basically, what it comes down to is this:

If I take on this UN project and go on the trip to Africa, I cannot be an RA for next year. I have to somehow find the financial aid to cover the additional costs now, and there's a good chance I'd have to move out of my apartment, and to where, who knows.

I can't believe this. Really. After all of the extra work I've done for res life and for Spinner Place, none of it matters. Nothing.

And here's the part that I think makes it the worst. I understand their point that I'd be missing part of training as well as move in weekend. It's a valid point, and I understand the information and experience I'd be missing.
But here was the "gray area" that I found yesterday: They said that RAs in the fall needed to go through the entire training process in order to be qualified for the position and to be fully trained. BUT, RAs in the SPRING go through 2 days of training. 2 days. Then, they work with someone throughout the year. And those RAs are supposedly just as qualified and trained as the ones that need to go through 2 weeks of training in the fall. They also said that all RAs need to attend move in weekend. But, the RAs in the spring don't have to do that.

I guess I'm just not comprehending this. I don't understand how this can all equal out. They had argued and argued that they made no exception the 2 week training, no exception what so ever. Yet they said that the RA training in the spring is an exception. Which is it, do you make exceptions or don't you?

I put in a great amount of effort last year to create and run the Spinner Place Residence Hall because I wanted to make a difference in the hall, I wanted to give back and make a difference. We as volunteer students put on more events than the RAs within the building and had the most attendance overall at our events. And we did this all just to be involved.

At one point they asked "why should we make an exception for you when we could go out and hire someone that could be here on that weekend"
You know why? Because while you may find someone just as qualified, you won't find someone with just as much dedication to the position and to the building itself. I've lived there since it opened. I've worked on SPRHC, I've reached out to the students. I told them I was willing to do whatever it took to make up for the time, to prepare the rooms before I left, to take extra efforts to reach out to the residents to meet them, say hello, talk with them. ANYTHING. I've been working all summer to plan events, contact people, and even worked on plans for a Spinner Place activities website. And yet, apparently that's not enough.

We even proposed this- let us go to the first week of training. Let us work hard to do as much preparation as we possibly can before we go. If you feel we're undertrained, we won't be on duty that week and we asked that they work with us on that Saturday following (Jamie said he'd be willing). And then let us make up the duty days during the rest of the month. Yes, I know it's asking them to go out of their way on that one day. But, I feel it would be a good investment and worth it in the long run. I KNOW I'll be a good RA, and I know I'll not only do the job but do it WELL. There are some RAs that just do the bare minimum, just enough to get by and fullfill the position. I don't want to be one of those. I want to put in the extra effort to have quality, fun, engaging activities that students can meet and bond with each other at as well as have a beneficial learning experience. I understand the added difficulties Spinner has with resident participation and community because I've lived there. I've worked on breaking those barriers down. Many people who haven't had experience working there could be very easily frustrated by these and simply give up.

And they even said during the meeting that they didn't doubt we could have all the necessary information to do the job and to do it well, but we'd be "missing out on the experience." and that was irreplaceable. But, RAs in the spring don't get that "experience" either.

they kept repeating "if there was a way to make this work, we'd like nothing more than for this to work."

This is a way it could work.........

I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can be willing to go completely out of my way to make this all work, all because I want to be there for the residents, to do all I can to make sure they'll have a good experience at Champlain AND at Spinner. I'm so passionate about this job its not even funny. Isn't that what they ultimately look for in an RA? But they're not willing to meet me part way.

I want to give back to this college because its given so much to me, and I can think of no better way to do that than as an RA. I can give back to the students and be a representative for the college.

But at the same time, the college has presented me with this UN opportunity. In order to do this job, the trip is necessary to conduct thorough research. This is thinking about the client and their best interests, something the college would want to represent to the United Nations. But yet, they're not willing to make to budge on any of this.

I just don't know.

Don't even begin to ask me my decision right now. I'm not going to give up fighting until the very last minute. I don't feel this is fair, and I don't agree with their reasoning, especially in light of this RA fall/spring training.

What I do know, is that I'm completely sickened over this entire thing.

Welcome to the case of Opportunity Knocks vs. Hard Knocks

Opportunity knocks vs. hard knocks.

I have to say, that was probably the most intense 90 minutes of my life.
There was discussion, there was arguing. There were smiles and laughs, there were full out tears. There were some intense heated moments between all of us, as well as some awkward silent times.

But......there is still light at the end of the tunnel. Mind you, it's like lighting a candle at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel, but nonetheless, it's there. Thank you vague loopholes.

I'm crossing my fingers and praying to every god I can think of. There were valid points that came up from both parties, and we pleaded our case, put fourth our points, and cried many, many, many tears. But no matter what, we fought. We fought hard. Not only to retain this position, but to show our dedication, prove that we want this more than we've wanted anything in our lives.

And now all we can do it way. and pray. and cry. and wait. and pray some more.

Please, let this all work out. Please please please please PLEASE.

More details later when I can emotionally ( and mentally) come down from all of this.
Oh yeah, and when I'm not at my internship.

Stay tuned.

I knew it was all too good to be true.

I am completely devastated. I can't believe this. After all of my hard work, dedication to this school, and demonstration of leadership abilities, I'm being forced to choose between an amazing opportunity and a position that I KNOW I will excel at, a position that I genuinely want and am committed to. Obviously, because if I wasn't I wouldn't be this upset and this willing to fight. I just think it's funny, Champlain boasts about their "boundless opportunities" and their constant push for student involvement, yet they stifle the people that truly want to be involved.

Straight outta the gates

I can already tell it's going the week's going to be hectic straight out of the gates, but it's well worth it!

Officially back in Burlington (well, been back for a little under 12 hours) after a couple days back home. Worked for my dad, got caught up on some homework, and had some family time. I left this afternoon and arrived back here in Burlington, took a quick nap, then headed off to work a closing shift at Blockbuster until about 12:15am. When I got back, headed to the store with Amanda and Melinda, then came back and got stuff ready for tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm allowed to share all the details yet, so I'll refrain until I hear more, but everything's happening so fast! I feel like an incredible opportunity has just fallen into my lap, and I couldn't be more excited. =D But theres a lot to do to get ready... starting tomorrow by heading to the post office to take care of passport stuff. I'm getting everything done there, already finished the application and have my birth certificate and drivers license ready. Having it expedited to be here as quick as possible, don't want to have to worry about it as things get closer.

Also have to arrange things with Res Life. I'll be missing some RA training, so I have to figure out if everything will work out and I can do both. If not, then I'm sacrificing being an RA! Not giving this up! But, I'm really hoping I can work everything out...I talked briefly with Jamie tonight, and he said if I'm only missing and few days and back for move in weekend then things might be able to work out. I'm going to wait till I have details then head into res life to sit down with him, Laura Scott, Ashley Mikell, and anyone else to see if I can work out an alternative plan with them. *crosses fingers*

other than that, just finishing up my internship hours this week, have about 16.5 left to do, which will be 5 tomorrow, 8 Tuesday (13) and then 3.5 another day, whichever one they want me to come in on. Then I'm totally done! Also going to work on finishing all the assignments left for the class, as well as working on this week's assignment for my other online class.

I'm a busy busy girl, but I know everything will be worth it. =D

The smell of summer is in the air

Forget a dozen roses; the key to my heart is definitely lilacs. I've always associated the start of summer with lilacs. I live for them. I just realized a few days ago that they've started to bloom, and can only squeal with excitement every time we drive by them. Today, as Amanda and I were leaving the library parking lot after running some errands on campus, I made her stop her truck and I barrel rolled out to grab a branch off of a nearby lilac bush. I spent the rest of the ride back to Spinner just smelling it over and over again.

The other day I was walking to the gym, just after sunset. Winooski was humming with excitement, and I couldn't help but smile as the sounds of laughter and distant barbecues drifted by me. But suddenly, a scent caught me off guard. It was refreshing, lovely. It was familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But as I continued my trek, the scent continued, growing stronger, surrounding me with spring. Finally, as I approached the door, I looked over the the adjacent house and there was a bush of freshly blooming lilacs. It was a happy moment. :)

They're usually the first things that remind me that summer is officially on its way. Sometimes, I consider them the unsung flower heroes of the summer. They come in quietly, most times go unnoticed and quietly pass. Many people don't give them a passing glance, grouping them with other common bushes and shrubbery. But there's something magical about the way they can stop you in your tracks, even if you can't see them. You can't help but breathe a little deeper, absorbing all they have to offer. Sometimes, you don't give it another thought but for that one moment, they gave you a little bit of extra life within you.

They've always held a special place in my heart, not only for their external appeal but for the way they trigger so many memories within me, and I tend to have a horrible memory unless something triggers it. Growing up, we always had a long row of lilacs that grew along the edge of our property. I can still vividly remember how I would spend my afternoons releasing my inner tom boy, ripping down branches and cutting out small holes within the bushes to create forts within the lilacs; but at the end of the day, I would simply sit there and inhale deeply, breathing in the beautiful scent and thinking fun girly thoughts.

I remember when they would first begin to bloom, I would run out into the yard and begin to carefully tear the little branches, creating bouquets of lilacs. I spent day after day grabbing as many bunches as my little hands could hold and running into the house and filling every tiny drinking cup I had with water and placing them the flowers all over the house. I can even still remember the time my parents let me have some in my room. I placed a small cup on the windowsill with a single lilac branch. Every night I would open the window a crack and let the breeze waft the scent over me as I drifted off to sleep.

Then, one spring, a man came along and offered to buy some of the lilacs for a wedding. My parents agreed, and I can remember watching in horror from my bedroom window as he began to chop and butcher the bushes, collecting bucket after bucket of lilacs. I almost cried that day, convinced that they'd never grow back. A little pathetic, but hey, I was still a kid. It still falls under the cute realm. :)

Lilacs remind me of proms and prom season; for two years I remember watching the prom at the high school, wishing I was one of the lucky upperclassmen attending. Then, finally being able to attend my junior and senior years. Prom was special to me. For 364 days of that year, I was a tom boy. I hunted, I fished, I scaled archery courses, wrangled kids at the day care, and rolled with the punches, being the only female in the house. But for that one day, those few hours, I was able to dress up. I put aside the camo, weapons, and potty mouth; I was a woman. I was never really allowed to play dress up as a kid, to buy girly stuff. But for this one night, I could mimic all the Disney princesses I'd grown up watching. It was one of the few nights in my entire life that I'd ever felt truly pretty. I liked the way people looked at me, the way my family looked at me. The smiles I received. The way I was treated. As minuscule as it was to some people, its something I embraced and still cherish to this day.

And with one smell, that small flower brings back every emotion and every feeling. It's times like this that I wish they grew year round. There are some days that completely drain me to the last drop of energy, of happiness. And with one breath of lilacs, I could flash back to pure, summer happiness. True, uninhibited happiness. It's been a very long time since I've felt that way since.

Lilacs remind me of summer; of longer, warmer evenings. They bring back memories of running through the grass barefooted; of swinging from the maple trees and picking off the newly blossoming leaves. They meant being able to leave the house without a jacket on when heading to the bus stop in the mornings and opening the windows for that first gentle breeze. They signified cookouts and bonfires, late night family gatherings that made the neighborhood ring with laughter. They were the flowers I picked when I went on walks in the woods with my dad for just some "us" time. They were the reason I went through a brief "flower shop owner" stint in my ever evolving career aspirations. Sometimes, they acted as reminders that my brother's birthday was approaching on May 20th. They even meant graveside visits to relatives as we created bouquets to decorate the graves. They were forts, picture backdrops, hideaways, and "bases" for every childhood game we could dream up; they were decorations, retreats,and inspirations. When they bloomed, everyone had a renewed sense of life deep within their eyes, within their souls as if a new energy swam around them. In a household that always had a dreary and heavy cloud of worries and problems hanging over it, for a brief moment, they brought about the one thing I always prayed for for my family--love.

And now, as I spend my first summer in Burlington, away from my family, they signify home.

Overall, they symbolized life, in every sense of the word. They were new life, a splash of color variety among a palette of greens. They were energizing, uplifting. A subtle scent of beauty. And no matter how long or damaging the winter months were, they continued to grow, year after year relentlessly. They proved that no matter what, life could prevail. Just when it seemed like the winter months had you at the tip of their sword, ready to suffocate you with their never ending despair and desolation, a revitalizing breath was waiting. Life continues on, even when you begin to feel it never will. You can't always see it, and sometimes you forget its there. But you'll always find it. That renewed life will be there waiting. And sometimes, all it takes is a distant drifting reminder. For you, it may be something else.

For me, it's the lilacs.

They're life, they're love, they're beauty; they're a reminder that through every tribulation, happiness is right around the corner. They're a renewed sense of hope.

Sometimes, it's small things like that that keep me going from day to day, finding those simple joys of life that I truly enjoy.

This One's A Little More Personal

This post is a little more personal to me. Instead of just chatting about the day's events ( there isn't much to report, anyway) I'd like to use this space to not only give you a small glimpse into my own life but also get something off my chest, something that's been bugging me for the past few hours.

First, a little back history without getting too detailed. It's a subject I rarely talk about; it's something that very personal and somewhat private to me. But I feel like you need some slight background just to understand the situation. I just ask one thing- don't judge me based on the information here. I've had people ask me, "How could you do that?" or "you shouldn't have taken the actions you did." I don't feel that anyone has the right to judge another person until they've lived through the situation. I'm not going into a great amount of detail, and I never will here. I don't even think some of my closest friends know everything that went on. So, I'm just asking that you read this with a neutral eye and know that the decisions I made in my past were well thought out decisions, and they happened for a reason. With that said, here goes.

My parents got divorced 7 years ago. It was an extremely messy divorce, to put it lightly. To make matters even more complicated, my brother and I haven't had a relationship with our mother for years now, our choice. When my parents separated, I went to live with my dad and my brother was forced to stay with my mom. It was probably the worst year of my life; I'd never been separated from him for more than a few days prior to that point. But after a year of fighting in court, my dad finally gained custody of him and he's lived with us ever since. From that point, we've never visited or really talked to our mother again.

So, ever since my brother was 9 or s0, I've been the only positive female influence in his life and probably the closest thing to a mother figure that he's ever had. I've loved every minute of it; I love watching him grow and learn and mature into the 16 year old man he is today. I've always watched over him;when we were kids, I was the one mouthing off to the playground kids who were calling him names, even if they were twice my size. When we grew up and were too old for the playground, I protected him from bigger matters. I always tried to make sure he was secure, healthy and happy, that he never missed out on any opportunity school or otherwise because of the situation we were in. Even now, I still call him and make sure everything is going okay, find out what's going on in his life, and of course, made sure he's getting his homework done. To put it bluntly, the kid is my life, hands down.

My mother writes an occasional letter from time to time to us; more so for control than for affection. Today, she wrote a letter to him, basically calling him a failure in life because of his current grades and his disinterest in higher education. She called him a failure. She said she was disappointed in him, that he wouldn't make anything of himself. Obviously, he was visibly upset over the words that had just been spat at him through this letter. When he told me about this, of course mama hen here was even more upset.

First off, I don't believe any mother has the right to call her son a failure. Ever. Especially a mother that hasn't talked to nor seen her son in 7 years. I think there's a definite line between a mother and a parent- the mother title is biologically yours; being called a "parent" is a different story-its more of a privilege. A conditional "right". It's yours until your actions cause you to lose it, at which point its never yours unless you earn it back. IF you earn it back.

In this case, she hasn't. Neither of us consider her a parent. She has no right to come in when she chooses to lecture my brother on his future, on his life, and she DEFINITELY has no right whatsoever to call him a failure. She doesn't know the first thing about his life- about his likes, dislikes, struggles, successes,setbacks, challenges, talents, or aspirations. She probably doesn't even know what he looks like. She has done nothing but caused turmoil and trauma in our lifes, and we've simply tried to move on, to get past everything. She's not invited to come into our lives and give her two cents whenever she chooses; it's not wanted and it never will be.

As you can probably tell, I was quite upset when I heard about all of this. I knew her words were carefully chosen, the perfect combinations to maximize the frustration and aggravation results. I've heard them before, I've been in his situation. If she wants to duel it out with me, that's one story. But attacking him- that's an entirely different battle. This kid has been through so much in his past lifetime that he's barely had a childhood. I've worked hard to comfort him and help him rebuild himself over the past few years, I will not let her shatter everything he's slowly put back together of his life with a few tainted words.

I tried to calm him down on the phone, reminding him that we have to use collect every stick in the road and use it as fuel to keep the fire inside of us burning, to never let things like this smother our hopes and dreams; that shouting a nasty words or throwing out some low-blow name calling will not solve the problem at hand. If anything, it's surrendering the fight. It's exactly what she wants.

But I could just see the light inside of him dimming. He's been told he can't all his life, when he's just needed a few people to stand there and push him along, to encourage him to keep going- he's capable of great things. Instead, with a few degrading words, the sounds of support that once rang through his heart were muffled. Only one word was playing through his mind: failure.

While his grades have always been a struggle, he's been far from a failure. His work ethic, aspirations, and passion for the outdoors far surpass his academics. He's always struggled through school, but he's never been dumb. Ask him how any question related to the outdoors, and he can probably talk your ear off for 5 minutes, providing you with information, fun facts, and catch and release techniques. He struggled with history in school, but ask him about history, engage him in conversation about the wars-the kid knows his stuff. Academics have never been his forte, but street smarts and "real world knowledge" are.

And he's probably been working just as long as I have, since he was in 6th grade, if not before. He's always worked hard, earned every penny of his money. Over this past summer, this 16 year old boy worked more hours than most full grown adults do, sometimes putting in a 50, 60+ hour work week. It wasn't any desk job, either. He did full out manual labor, apprenticing for a family friend who does carpentry and other related services. And even after all the time he spent working, he still found time (and energy) to spend time outdoors.

To top it all off, I know he's got aspirations for his future. I've listened to them over the years. They've ranged from opening his own business to owning a hunting and fishing guide service, to forestry, and his most recent one- going into the service. He even discussed joining a special section of the armed forces dedicated to search and rescue. I gained a great deal of respect for him when he made that decision for after graduation, even though deep in my heart I don't want him to go. When I graduated, I couldn't even decide where I wanted to go to college- I switched my schools before I even stepped foot on campus, and then still ended up transferring from there. I even changed majors a few times. I had no idea what I wanted to do- I still don't have any definite plans for after graduation. And here is this kid, who'll be turning 17 in a few days, who has his future planned out and is ready to make that commitment to the service. Even though I'll always see him as my baby brother, he's turned into a man in every sense of the word.

And if it takes every ounce of my being, I won't let anyone stand in between him and his dreams. Nobody will call him a failure. Ever.

He's never been one, and he never will be. The only thing he's ever needed is support, someone to let him know that the critics are wrong- he can do it.
And when he does, the rewards will feel that much more sweeter.

My two goals in life are simple: be a mom, and see my brother succeed in every one of his dreams. I'll do whatever it takes to help him reach those successes and shatter "failure" in every sense of the word. Period.



Sorry that was more of a rant, but thanks for reading. In closing, don't call anyone a failure simply because they don't get the best grades or they lack higher schooling. If you do, you're also calling all of these people failures....
http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/lists/dropouts.html

Think about it that way next time.