Anyone who knows me knows I'm big on how much of an impact other people have had on my life. Family, friends, mentors, teachers, role models-- they've all had a piece of my heart. People make this world go around, they're responsible for love, loss, heartache, happiness, everything. I believe that everyone who has come into my life has helped to shape who I am today. I'm a patchwork of other people and myself. And I love it. Each person has brought to the mix a new story, a different view on the world, a new sense of self. I learn from others, I learn about myself from others; by studying others I subsequently study myself.
I'm also a big believer in letting others know how you feel, telling them how much they've changed your life, whether they know it or not. If someone has brought you happiness,changed your life, you should pass it on. You never know if or when its going to do the same for them.
I've tried to do this for quite a few years now. I like to let people know that they matter to me, that I'm thankful for them in my life. In high school, I wrote letters to all of my friends and gave them a CD of songs that meant something to me. I make slideshows of pictures for my friends, hoping to use the right combination of photos and songs to convey the same emotions I feel for them.
All in all, I just love to let other people know they're loved. I can still remember every time I got a handwritten note- in elementary school, in middle school, in high school, in college. There was just something special, something joyful about a personalized letter that made you feel loved. In fact, I have just about every note that's ever been given to me. Each one touched my heart, knowing that I was cared about at the time, that someone was thinking of me.
I think back on those feelings, and remember the pure happiness they brought to me. Now, I try and do as many nice things as I can, and let people know just what they mean to me every chance I get. My only hope is that my letter could possibly bring some happiness into their lives.
But there are times when I get disheartened, though. I really try and reach out to people and let them know I care about them constantly. And sometimes, I still feel forgotten about. Its hard when I try to maintain a friendship, to stay actively invested in a friendship and at the end of the day, I feel like I mean nothing more to them than the next passing Joe Shmoe. All the people around me mean a great deal to me, and sometimes I forget that sometimes, I don't mean the same to them. There are some people that I tried all year to be good friends with. I was truly interested in their lives; their successes, their morale. I gave them encouraging words when they were nervous, congratulated them when they succeeded, consoled them when they failed. I tried everything to build the friendship, with just the hopes that it would help them be happy. Yet, a year later, I feel like they don't even remember I'm there. Then there are some that I've tried to reach out to for years. I'm surprised when they even remember my name.
And its frustrating because I know that everyone thinks, feels, and act differently. Everyone displays their emotions differently. Not everyone is a complete sap, like me. lol. That, and I'm not really about acquaintances. I just don't do them. I like all of my friends to be close friends, so I do what it takes to learn about them and try to be involved. And there are some people that just aren't like that. They are perfectly happy with a thousand acquaintances and to leave it at that level. It's just a way of life. But you know, sometimes, you just want to know that your efforts are recognized. That's it. Just that someone realizes you're trying.
Sometimes, it hurts when you put out so much energy and kindness for a friendship, and you're left in the dark. Sometimes, I want to completely close out a friendship because its done nothing but drain me, and I wonder if its worth all the effort. There are times when I want to stop caring about everyone else. I want to be the person that just goes around saying "I don't give a fuck."
But in reality, I can't. I don't think I ever will; because even as much as it drains me at times, it makes me feel good to do it.
That, and I've said I was going to stop many times before, and never have. I probably never will because ultimately, I always want to let people know how much they've impacted my life and to thank them for making me--me.
The reason I bring this up is because over the past few weeks I was having a serious case of "FOMO" as my friend Tony calls it- fear of missing out. It looked like everyone was enjoying their summer, having an amazing time, and, well...I've watched a lot of movies with Amanda or by myself. Sometimes you feel like you got lost in the shuffle. You wonder if people actually enjoy your company or they're just nice to your face when you see them.
It's times like that that frustrate me and I get disheartened and want to stop caring about other people. And then I get to times like tonight which make me realize that it makes me feel good to spread happiness and love.
I've almost finished all my cards and letters for the seniors in the Improv troupe. At our very last get together, we had this moment towards the end of the night when everyone was saying goodbye. We stood in the middle of the street and hugged, saying goodbye, good luck, etc... It was at that moment, as I watched us all disperse and drive away, I realized that I might never see some of these people again. Ever. They were graduating and moving on to start their lives, and in a few years so will I. It was a sad and sobering moment for me.
I was standing there with a group of people that had started out as strangers at the beginning of the year and was now saying goodbye to my little improv family. I had shared so many laughs, so many good times with them. The time I spent with them really did make me truly happy. There were plenty of times I was running out of energy and reason to keep going and I would go to practice. I would laugh, laugh hard; almost to the point of tears. My insides would bubble and my heart would refuel. I would leave there feeling happy. It was a nice feeling. I don't think they'll ever know how much just their presence did for me.
And sometimes, its just nice to tell people when they've had such a positive influence on your life like that. You never know, it might bring a little happiness into their world as well. I'm thankful for all they did, whether they knew it or not, and it makes me feel good to be able to express my thanks to them. It might mean nothing to them; they might just crumple it up and throw it away. It might make them smile, it might make their day. I don't really know.
But I do know that it makes me feel happy to express my feelings in a letter, to design a card for them. Its times like these that show me I'll never truly stop caring, I'll never stop loving other people even if its not returned.
People have brought happiness to me, and I'm doing my part to "Pay It Forward." What they do from there is up to them.
Christ, this post has probably been really jumbled and confusing. That's the kind of thoughts you get from me at 3am. But to sum it up, here are some things I've learned:
1. Those in my life will always be important to me. Always.
2. I may never mean the same to them, and I've got to learn to accept it.
3. Sometimes I feel forgotten about, and as much as it frustrates me, I'll never stop what I'm doing- at the end of the day, its meaningful to me-- and that's enough.
So, walk away with this: love the ones you love. Its funny, I always hear this when someone dies, and the people close to them walk around proclaiming "love the ones you love, tell them they mean something to you. I wish I could have told them before it was too late.."
WHY WAIT? What's stopping you from telling those around you how you feel? Afraid of looking like a sap? Afraid that they won't feel the same towards you? Get in the boat, there's plenty of room. But I know deep inside, we all feel. We all hurt, we all cry, we all smile. There are plenty of people out there who will shy away from telling you how they really feel because they're afraid to open up. But secretly, it affects them. Everyone likes to be loved, to know that they're loved. Bring smiles to the faces around you, lord knows this world could use some happiness. Reach out to those around you. If they've changed your life, let them know. If they brought you happiness, let them know. Let people know that their life has meaning. Or one day, you're going to be saying the same thing...
"I wish I could have told them before it was too late...."
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