Tom Tom couldn't get me out of this crossroads...

So, the RA position/ UN project has come to a crossroads. For the last week, we've fought and fought with every person possible to retain our position as RAs and continue with the United Nations Project, but unfortunately had no success. We even talked to the president to see what he could do, as we knew he understood the importance of this project to Champlain college. But today, unfortunately, we heard word back--a decision has to be made.

For the past week, I've agonized over this. There were nights I laid in bed for hours, working out every possible situation in my head, trying to weigh the pros and cons, work out financials, and look at the situation both short term and long term. I think what's been most beneficial though, is not only all the support I've received from friends, advisors, co workers, and family, but also being able to talk things through with everyone. I can't thank those enough that helped me work through the situation and offered suggestions, pros, cons, factors I never considered, etc... Also, a big shout out to Wes for his suggestion in talking to the president and arranging the meeting with him for us because we were so strapped for time. Being able to have this support and help there has been instrumental in not only my mental sanity, but also in making this tough decision.

After getting all the advice that I could, I worked it out to be the following:

This United Nations project is a once in a lifetime deal. Not many college students can say that they worked on a project for the United Nations and received an all expense paid trip to Africa to conduct research there. I know this project is going to big, especially based on all the PR ideas we were throwing out in this morning's meeting. It's not only going to look good on a resume, but I can only imagine what a fullfilling experience this is going to be. Even in the little bit of time that we've worked on it, there's a perpetual warm feeling that fills me, because in my heart I know we're helping the greater good.
But, I also had to look at what I would have to sacrifice for this position. For a while it looked like I wouldn't even be able to be guaranteed housing, let alone live with my roommate, Amanda. Not knowing about housing scared me. Terrified me, actually. There's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment for the year. And, if I had to move back to campus, I'd also have to get the meal plan. That's an additional 12,000 I'd have to find money for. Every year my financial aid is tight, so being able to find that amount would have been tough. Luckily, Res Life has finally guaranteed us housing in Spinner, and they're fairly certain we can room together. That relieves me a little. On top of everything else, I'd give up the bi-weekly RA paycheck and worst of all, the position itself. I'd already started planning activities for the year,and residents I didn't even know (and ones I knew) were already contacting me with questions and concerns , looking to their RA for guidance. There were tons of people, RAs and residents, who were counting on me to be in this position. By turning down this position, I felt like I was letting them down. I think that weighed more heavily on me than anything else.
I guess, when it all came down to it, I had to determine if this project was worth losing that student trust, that money, and the financial break on housing.

And after a great, great, great deal of consideration and thinking, I believe it is. It truly is. It's worth it for the cause, for the experience, for the opportunity. Bottom line.

So, I'm doing the UN Project and turning down the RA position.

Yes, we may not change the world. But, I refer back to the quote that I heard from Schindler's List "He who saves a life saves a world entire." Even if we're only able to save one life, save one woman from violence, then we've saved an entire world. Is this behavioral change even possible with what we're doing? I honestly don't know. But all we can do is try. And that, that makes it all worth it.

Last week during one of my sleepless nights, I thought back to the last big decision in my life, and I tracked it back to seven years ago when my parents were getting divorced. I had the choice of living with my mother and brother, or moving out and living with my dad. I wanted to live with my dad because my mother and I did not ( and still don't) have anything that resembles a relationship. But, my brother and I have a very tight, special bond. It broke my heart to have to choose, but there was no way around it. He wasn't old enough to choose, and my mother wasn't giving him up. I agonized over this, cried and cried and cried and prayed and cried and prayed for an answer. I've never felt my heart break more than when I watched my brother from the side view mirror as my dad and I drove away. Even seven years later, it's still an image that haunts me. But as we drove along and I fought back tears, I wondered if I made the right decision. I knew it was going to be mentally, emotionally and physically better for me. And, even though I hated leaving my brother, I knew he was going to be okay, we were going to survive. Even then, there was still a small part of me that whispered "things will be okay."

And now, seven years later...they are. It not only strengthened our bond and our relationship, but a year later he moved in with us, and we've never looked back. Things were okay. I can't even imagine myself making any other choice when I look at it now.

This was similar. I looked at all the pros and cons, and deep in my heart I feel this is right for me. It hurts to leave this RA position because I knew not only would I be good at the job, but it'd also be fulfilling. But, I feel that this UN project will be the best. It tore me apart, but I have to listen to my heart, it's never steered me wrong. And I can hear that faint whisper again that "things will be okay." My friends and family support me, and in my heart, this feels right.

When I moved out, things were okay. And inside, I know this will be, too.

I'm comforted by a quote I found by Abraham Maslow, a psychologist who created Maslow's "hierarchy of needs."
He said, "You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety."

The RA job would be safe. I know what to expect, I know what to do. But would I grow from it? I don't know. Maybe a little. This project is a complete unknown. None of us know how we're going to tackle this, or what we're doing. That's why we're here and why we took it on-- it's a challenge. It excites me and fuels me inside when we discuss it, firing out ideas and dissecting problems and solutions. On top of that, I'll not only be really traveling abroad for the first time, but also to a place I know nothing about. The whole thing scares me, but equally excites me. But I'm taking a leap of faith. I'm stepping forward into growth.

One things for sure: this is going to be an incredible journey.

Thanks to all those that helped me, guided me and supported me. It's been a tough decision and an equally tough fight. I stood up for what I believed in until the very end, until I couldn't fight any more. I didn't take this all lying down, but I know when I ultimately need to concede. And I've thought this decision through very carefully. It's been a a long, stressful, and draining process, but I'm glad it's finally over. Now the only thing to do is look forward to the future. And, as Dr. Phill says " Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make a decision right."

Either way, this is going to be the right decision. So, goodbye Residential Life. Hello Africa!