I've been molding and shaping this whole ordeal in my brain for the last few days. It's probably pretty apparent, as it's almost 3am and I have to get up for an all day meeting in like 4.5 hours.
But anyways...the anger and frustration have started to clear away ( but mind you, still there.) and I've now turned to logic, thinking, planning. I'm talking things through. I'm writing things down. I'm weighing out options, consequences, life for the semester, the year, and future years. I'm thinking about money. I'm thinking about living situations. I'm thinking about my future profession. I'm thinking about stress and time. I'm trying to incorporate every factor I can think of, draw lines, make connections, clear away the jumbled mess I had before and sort through all of this.
But most of all, I'm reaching out to others. I'm asking their opinion, looking for their advice, asking for their ideas. Sometimes it helps to hear things from other perspectives. You can see things in a new light, you can get new ideas, and sometimes even just hearing your own thoughts back to you can sway you one way or another.
Either way, this decision will be life changing. Part of this scares me. It scares me to know that either way, I'm missing out on something truly amazing. But, in some sick way, it excites me a little. Maybe my life needed this, maybe I need to be threatened with change. Who knows, it might do me some good. I don't really know.
Its funny because I've always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. There's been plenty of times I've looked back over my life and realized how certain actions or events brought me to where I was today, or how they changed my life at that moment, even when I couldn't see it then. Last year I was upset because Laura was no longer going to be our roommate after 2 years. I couldn't understand (well, I understood from her point, I guess) why this was happening to me. ( wow, that sounds selfish, but I really mean it in the most non selfish way possible). Anyways, I didn't realize it tonight that it happened for a reason. Not only for her own personal reasons, but also because if she was our roommate, this would make things even more difficult right now. Its different when both Amanda and I could face losing our apartment, because either way we'd both be leaving it. And, while there's a slim chance that we could be put together again, there's still a chance. For all 3 of us to leave and still be roommates, there's be absolutely no way. But, if we did have to move, we'd have to leave her behind in the apartment, which wouldn't be fair. And, it would probably make this decision more difficult because that would be a factor in our decision, when it really shouldn't be based on the severity of this decision. I hate to admit it, but it happened for a reason.
Needless to say, this whole thing has sickened me. literally. I've felt sick to my stomach for the past 3 days, and I've come really close to throwing up. It's just been that detrimental. And really, if you could see me now, I look like shit. No lie. I've been so drained from this, its affecting my job, my school work, my internship;its affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally.
I think I'll be able to feel relief once it's finally over, for better or for worse. And I'll probably need a giant hug.
probably two.
Now its time for bed, with a meeting about the UN project tomorrow. This will also play into the final decision as I learn more about the project and the trip.
I want to be 5 years old again.
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