This post is a little more personal to me. Instead of just chatting about the day's events ( there isn't much to report, anyway) I'd like to use this space to not only give you a small glimpse into my own life but also get something off my chest, something that's been bugging me for the past few hours.
First, a little back history without getting too detailed. It's a subject I rarely talk about; it's something that very personal and somewhat private to me. But I feel like you need some slight background just to understand the situation. I just ask one thing- don't judge me based on the information here. I've had people ask me, "How could you do that?" or "you shouldn't have taken the actions you did." I don't feel that anyone has the right to judge another person until they've lived through the situation. I'm not going into a great amount of detail, and I never will here. I don't even think some of my closest friends know everything that went on. So, I'm just asking that you read this with a neutral eye and know that the decisions I made in my past were well thought out decisions, and they happened for a reason. With that said, here goes.
My parents got divorced 7 years ago. It was an extremely messy divorce, to put it lightly. To make matters even more complicated, my brother and I haven't had a relationship with our mother for years now, our choice. When my parents separated, I went to live with my dad and my brother was forced to stay with my mom. It was probably the worst year of my life; I'd never been separated from him for more than a few days prior to that point. But after a year of fighting in court, my dad finally gained custody of him and he's lived with us ever since. From that point, we've never visited or really talked to our mother again.
So, ever since my brother was 9 or s0, I've been the only positive female influence in his life and probably the closest thing to a mother figure that he's ever had. I've loved every minute of it; I love watching him grow and learn and mature into the 16 year old man he is today. I've always watched over him;when we were kids, I was the one mouthing off to the playground kids who were calling him names, even if they were twice my size. When we grew up and were too old for the playground, I protected him from bigger matters. I always tried to make sure he was secure, healthy and happy, that he never missed out on any opportunity school or otherwise because of the situation we were in. Even now, I still call him and make sure everything is going okay, find out what's going on in his life, and of course, made sure he's getting his homework done. To put it bluntly, the kid is my life, hands down.
My mother writes an occasional letter from time to time to us; more so for control than for affection. Today, she wrote a letter to him, basically calling him a failure in life because of his current grades and his disinterest in higher education. She called him a failure. She said she was disappointed in him, that he wouldn't make anything of himself. Obviously, he was visibly upset over the words that had just been spat at him through this letter. When he told me about this, of course mama hen here was even more upset.
First off, I don't believe any mother has the right to call her son a failure. Ever. Especially a mother that hasn't talked to nor seen her son in 7 years. I think there's a definite line between a mother and a parent- the mother title is biologically yours; being called a "parent" is a different story-its more of a privilege. A conditional "right". It's yours until your actions cause you to lose it, at which point its never yours unless you earn it back. IF you earn it back.
In this case, she hasn't. Neither of us consider her a parent. She has no right to come in when she chooses to lecture my brother on his future, on his life, and she DEFINITELY has no right whatsoever to call him a failure. She doesn't know the first thing about his life- about his likes, dislikes, struggles, successes,setbacks, challenges, talents, or aspirations. She probably doesn't even know what he looks like. She has done nothing but caused turmoil and trauma in our lifes, and we've simply tried to move on, to get past everything. She's not invited to come into our lives and give her two cents whenever she chooses; it's not wanted and it never will be.
As you can probably tell, I was quite upset when I heard about all of this. I knew her words were carefully chosen, the perfect combinations to maximize the frustration and aggravation results. I've heard them before, I've been in his situation. If she wants to duel it out with me, that's one story. But attacking him- that's an entirely different battle. This kid has been through so much in his past lifetime that he's barely had a childhood. I've worked hard to comfort him and help him rebuild himself over the past few years, I will not let her shatter everything he's slowly put back together of his life with a few tainted words.
I tried to calm him down on the phone, reminding him that we have to use collect every stick in the road and use it as fuel to keep the fire inside of us burning, to never let things like this smother our hopes and dreams; that shouting a nasty words or throwing out some low-blow name calling will not solve the problem at hand. If anything, it's surrendering the fight. It's exactly what she wants.
But I could just see the light inside of him dimming. He's been told he can't all his life, when he's just needed a few people to stand there and push him along, to encourage him to keep going- he's capable of great things. Instead, with a few degrading words, the sounds of support that once rang through his heart were muffled. Only one word was playing through his mind: failure.
While his grades have always been a struggle, he's been far from a failure. His work ethic, aspirations, and passion for the outdoors far surpass his academics. He's always struggled through school, but he's never been dumb. Ask him how any question related to the outdoors, and he can probably talk your ear off for 5 minutes, providing you with information, fun facts, and catch and release techniques. He struggled with history in school, but ask him about history, engage him in conversation about the wars-the kid knows his stuff. Academics have never been his forte, but street smarts and "real world knowledge" are.
And he's probably been working just as long as I have, since he was in 6th grade, if not before. He's always worked hard, earned every penny of his money. Over this past summer, this 16 year old boy worked more hours than most full grown adults do, sometimes putting in a 50, 60+ hour work week. It wasn't any desk job, either. He did full out manual labor, apprenticing for a family friend who does carpentry and other related services. And even after all the time he spent working, he still found time (and energy) to spend time outdoors.
To top it all off, I know he's got aspirations for his future. I've listened to them over the years. They've ranged from opening his own business to owning a hunting and fishing guide service, to forestry, and his most recent one- going into the service. He even discussed joining a special section of the armed forces dedicated to search and rescue. I gained a great deal of respect for him when he made that decision for after graduation, even though deep in my heart I don't want him to go. When I graduated, I couldn't even decide where I wanted to go to college- I switched my schools before I even stepped foot on campus, and then still ended up transferring from there. I even changed majors a few times. I had no idea what I wanted to do- I still don't have any definite plans for after graduation. And here is this kid, who'll be turning 17 in a few days, who has his future planned out and is ready to make that commitment to the service. Even though I'll always see him as my baby brother, he's turned into a man in every sense of the word.
And if it takes every ounce of my being, I won't let anyone stand in between him and his dreams. Nobody will call him a failure. Ever.
He's never been one, and he never will be. The only thing he's ever needed is support, someone to let him know that the critics are wrong- he can do it.
And when he does, the rewards will feel that much more sweeter.
My two goals in life are simple: be a mom, and see my brother succeed in every one of his dreams. I'll do whatever it takes to help him reach those successes and shatter "failure" in every sense of the word. Period.
Sorry that was more of a rant, but thanks for reading. In closing, don't call anyone a failure simply because they don't get the best grades or they lack higher schooling. If you do, you're also calling all of these people failures....
http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/lists/dropouts.html
Think about it that way next time.
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